"Go away!" I bark at my brother Jake, who stands in my doorway angrily. Why does he always come in when I want to be alone? I wish he'd leave me be, like everyone else has been lately. Every time they hear my music, they turn the other way and try to ignore it. I guess they are still labeling it as 'screamo.' Whatever, I enjoy it. The lyrics speak to me, all of them.
But they are too ignorant to see that I need my music. Since Jake is still standing there, not caring about my music, I continue to yell at him to leave, but he doesn't take it too well. "You don't have authority to make me do anything. Learn your place, Laura." This makes me mad, and I snap like I did months ago with Lily. It's been happening nearly daily as I get more annoyed, and every time I snap I hate myself more.
"Go the hell away, Jake. There's this thing called privacy, leave me the fuck alone and close my door!" My mom hears this and comes down the hall, worry shining in her green eyes. Seeing my broken mom, I look away, burying my face in my knees. I hear my mom and Jake argue quietly, and then I hear Jake stomp down the hall. I close my eyes, waiting for my mom to leave. She is starting to understand that cuddling me makes me feel worse.
I hear her sigh, and then she turns and walks down the hall. After about thirty seconds, I break into tears. Eventually I get my courage up and wipe away my tears, checking in the mirror to make sure my face isn't tear-streaked. Taking in a breath so I don't breakdown again, I go down the hall and into the kitchen. I grab a cup out of the cupboard and fill it with tap water, gulp it down, then put it on the counter and vanish back into my room.
I start getting dressed, wanting to get out of the house. All of my clothing is loose now, and it annoys me. But it also kinda boosts my self-esteem. Last week, when I stepped on the scale, I was at 140lbs. But I still feel insignificant, too thick to be beautiful. Slipping on my boots and making sure my stomach looks flat, I brush my hair and put black eyeliner around my eyes. Then I turn and leave my room, stomping down the hall angrily. I open the front door and hear Jake yell at me, saying I have to do something, like always. I close the door behind me, not bothering to listen to him.
I walk up the driveway, turning left on the small street we live on. There is a little wooded area right next to my street, which everyone is too scared to go in. But I was dared a few months back, back when I was social. Now, at the end of the summer and nearing my 14th birthday, I love those woods. They're like a safe-haven, a place to hide from everyone.
Hearing someone swing the door open in my house, I speed up to a jog. Can't they tell I'm leaving cause I don't want to snap and hurt them? I kick a rock lightly, and then look up. I smile, seeing my neighbor's house, with the front door in direct line of sight. I angle my foot right, and then kick the rock at their front door.
I almost start running before my foot meets with the rock, not wanting to get in trouble. Yeah, they are, or... were my friends, but even if I don't get in trouble I don't want to see them. I dash down the street, the beat of my heart becoming more and more rapid and the sound of my footsteps more frequent.
As I run down the street, I can't help but let out a laugh. I pester old friends all the time and I don't really know why. Maybe some part of me misses their company... But the majority just wants to hide from everyone.
Crossing over a large street, I slow my run back down to a walk. Looking at all the people around, which isn't many, I make the observation that they all look happy and poppy. I wonder if any of them hide their sadness with those clothes, too. Eh, whatever; whether they do is none of my concern... I need to get to my woods.
I shift my gaze straight ahead, focusing on getting to my destination. I just want to get away, and since I am nearly the only one brave enough to go in there, I am almost entirely isolated once I step through the hole in the fence. Yeah, it isn't made for people to go in, but no one ever looks through it to make sure no one's there or anything. I've never ran into anyone while in there... I just see a lot of squirrels and rabbits.
Finally making it to the edge of the woods, I smile somewhat. Finally, I can be away from the world. Looking around to see if anyone is looking, I slip into an alleyway next to the woods and some person's abandoned house. Scanning the fence around the woods for the bush that hides the hole in the chain link, I speed up my pace. I want to get to it as soon as possible; I need to.
Nearly missing the bush, I skid to a stop and dash behind the bush. Once I am hidden in the underbrush, I feel the fence for the tear. Come on, it's gotta be here somewhere... I think as i almost cut my finger on the edge of it. Here we are... I slide both hands to the area and pull it apart as well as I can.
Since I've done this multiple times before, it opens pretty easily and I lift my leg to step in. I glance over my shoulder, and then swing in the rest of the way. I nearly fall onto my knees but I catch myself with one hand.
Now I'm in. Finally, I'm alone; I'm safe. I think as I run further in. Once there are a couple trees separating me from the fence, I allow myself to slow down to a walk. My eyes scan the area, looking for the trees that show I am headed in the right direction.
I glance around, habit controlling me even though I know I'm entirely alone. I lean against the nearest tree and crumple to my knees, crying my eyes out. I lift my head and scan around the forest, a horrible and disturbing idea coming to mind; At least, it would be horrible to anyone else. But this idea frequently comes and goes, to the point that I barely even realize I thought about it.
As always, I brush the thought away and stand, wiping my eyes and walking forward. I look around and then begin to hear the quiet trickle of water up ahead. I'm nearing the stream. It leads to a small pond. Although I prefer to sit at the stream bed and watch the water, sometimes I go to the pond.
I slow my pace, the sound of the water calming me and soon enough the shiny surface making me feel content, which is a feeling I could use more of. I forget about everything and anything. When I touch my stomach I don't cringe, I don't think about how terrible a person I can be. Everything's fine, normal, happy.
A smile begins to cross my face and my eyes light up. I reach the stream bed and kneel down on a dry spot, stirring the water with my fingers. The icy feeling stabs through my fingers and then they go numb, my bright blue eyes watching the water flow beautifully.
* * * * *
I open the door and take a breath. It's nearly dark out and my family is gonna freak out if I stay out longer, as I've been ignoring my phone. I step into the house and close the door behind me quietly, running to my room before my siblings come into the living room and go off on me for being out alone for so long.
I slip into my room and shut the door silently, grabbing my headphones and sitting on my bed. I take my phone out of my pocket for the first time since I stormed out, and plug my headphones in, starting my music. It takes me a moment to realize my hands are shaking. I guess my anxiety has set back in. The sense of contentment the water gave me has worn off, making me seem to feel worse than I did earlier.
I look over at the mirror and put my headphones on, seemingly unable to remove my eyes from the ghostly blue ones hiding behind the messy, dull brown hair. Finally my eyes shift and scan the rest of me. I look terrible. This isn't a new thing, though. I groan and then get up and walk into the living room and make my presence known to my family. But my music is blasting and I'm sure they can hear it; I won't be able to hear them now.
I wander into the bathroom and see the band-aids, the same demented thought flashing by from before. Maybe today would be the day I gave in and let myself listen to the idea. I shake my head and wander into my bedroom, laying on my bed. I close my eyes and just tune out the world.
* * * * *
When I open my eyes, it's pitch black in my room and the rest of the house. I check my phone- it's 3 in the morning- and smile. My favorite time of night, Everyone's asleep. I pull out my headphones and get off my bed, stretching and then going into the living room. I put on something-a strange horror movie- and go to the bathroom. While I'm in there, I spot the band aids again. I reach out and grab them, my hand shaking more with every second.
My intuition earlier was right, tonight was the night. I pull out one of the big ones and then put the box back, rushing to my room. I begin storming through my stuff looking for something I hid the first time I thought about this- my sharpener. I find it in a box of my old schoolwork and then rummage for a screwdriver. I don't know what I'm doing, or why. I'm just... curious. I've heard of this before, I wonder what it feels like, will it work?
Hah! There it is. I begin to get to work on the sharpener, unscrewing the single screw that holds the blade in place. The screw comes out easy and I close my eyes. Am I really gonna do this? Opening them, I grab the razor blade in my hand and lock my door. I grab the band aid and then look at my body. Where am I gonna do it? Everyone will see it on my wrist, we can't have that. Thigh seems cliche but... it's all I can think of.
The choice is made- thigh it is. I sit down on the floor and pull down my pants enough to reveal my upper half of my leg. I hold the razor blade out, my hand still shaking, feel the fiery hate for myself well up inside of me as I stare at the glint of the blade.